Saturday, June 28, 2008

Dinnertime, car riding and a reflex I still have

Having dinner as a kid was (as I realize now) a not pleasant experience. At the time, I thought it was what it was... dinnertime.

As kids, we all sat in the kitchen at the table to eat dinner. My parents never joined us unless it was a holiday or something else where it required them to eat with us (friends over, ect..).

My folks would sit in the living room with TV trays and eat while watching TV. Me, my sister and my brother would all sit around the table and we'd always 'fight' over who would sit on the side that the back faced the opening into the kitchen.

See, the table was oval and the one 'long' side faced the window but then your back was exposed to the doorway where my father would walk through from the living room.

If us kids were talking or if he even thought we were up to no good, he'd walk through that door and "clock" whomever was the unfortunate one to be sitting in that spot. I guess he thought he'd just take it out on whomever was closest?

To this very day, if my dad or other over bearing person or even just someone who is loud or walks heavy, etc... walks behind me, I still will physically and unconsciously flinch and almost duck - closing my eyes and slightly leaning forward as if to dodge a wayward ball coming toward my head. It's a reflex to trying to get away from getting knuckled to the back of the head without warning. It happened more than I can count and honestly if I did count, it'd probably make me sick to my stomach.

Same with car rides.

Three kids, a back seat. One had to sit smack in the middle and that was the most undesirable place in the car.
Whoever sat there, would surely 'get it' whenever my dad got a wild hair to smack the shit out of someone because in his mind, we were being too loud (IE: talking) or because another person pissed him off and since he couldn't hit THEM, he'd hit us.

Story of our lives.

So whichever one of us 'got' the middle, we were the easiest to reach and he could manuever the car and beat the living snot out of whoever sat in that spot. The person directly behind him could duck and lean toward the door and naturally, the person sitting behind my mom.. that was the preemo seat. Too far to reach - at least while the car was moving.

Again, I now avoid back seats like the plague and even riding with someone if they start to get a bit PO'd because some wanker cut them off in traffic, I feel queasy and anxious even though I'm sitting up front.

So many things have an impact and we don't even realize it....

Friday, June 27, 2008

Struggling with some things...

You know, I think that sometimes I take such a long break or lose my will to post is because I feel like all I do is whine. Seriously. I was raised with the 'stop complaining/crying and buck up!' mentality. So instead of sharing, I tend to head the polar opposite way and just clam up.

Well, Father's Day has come and gone (thank GOD)... I always feel a bit guilty about not wanting to even acknowledge that particular day... after all, I still have that "he's my dad" thing going on in my head.. you know?

What's even stranger is that I still see my parents. It's hard for me to act "normal" around them.. especially when I'm trying to purge myself of all this abuse garbage. I sometimes feel like I'm just a glutton for punishment and that somehow.. I enjoy the 'walking on eggshells' feeling I STILL to this day get.. otherwise, I'd tell them to piss off and I'd move on.

I don't know if I'm willing to do that just yet... whether or not that's because I'm still emotionally immature or because I'm foolishly holding on to hope that we can all heal and move on.

Knowing that all of us will eventually die and then things that are said and revealed.. will fall upon deaf ears... but really.. what's the difference between someone being dead and someone being in denial?

Monday, June 9, 2008

What is "normal"?

Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder if I'm putting too much stock into being 'normal'. What is "NORMAL", anyway?

For example, people always say things like, "I'm truly happy now".... as compared to what? How does a person measure happiness? I know I have moments of happy, but to say that one is walking around 'happy now'? I don't get it.

Just like normal. Who's to say that I'm not perfectly normal and that everyone else is 'off'? Who is to say that the people that grew up without ever being struck or emotionally ripped apart are the ones who aren't normal?

Forgive me please, for I am rambling a bit. These are thoughts I have every now and then when the house is dark and quiet. The moments when I'm truly alone in my own head and sometimes, it's not a pleasant place to be.

I find myself being utterly resentful of the people who grew up without so much as a slap on the wrist when they made a mistake... although my logical side says that it's illogical to feel resentment toward a person because they grew up in a NORMAL home.

The thing I'm finding to be disheartening is that I don't know if the feelings I have about myself and the world around me are NORMAL or if I'm being narrow minded because my 'spin' on the world was clouded by things that I could not at one time, control.

Does that make sense?