Friday, June 27, 2008

Struggling with some things...

You know, I think that sometimes I take such a long break or lose my will to post is because I feel like all I do is whine. Seriously. I was raised with the 'stop complaining/crying and buck up!' mentality. So instead of sharing, I tend to head the polar opposite way and just clam up.

Well, Father's Day has come and gone (thank GOD)... I always feel a bit guilty about not wanting to even acknowledge that particular day... after all, I still have that "he's my dad" thing going on in my head.. you know?

What's even stranger is that I still see my parents. It's hard for me to act "normal" around them.. especially when I'm trying to purge myself of all this abuse garbage. I sometimes feel like I'm just a glutton for punishment and that somehow.. I enjoy the 'walking on eggshells' feeling I STILL to this day get.. otherwise, I'd tell them to piss off and I'd move on.

I don't know if I'm willing to do that just yet... whether or not that's because I'm still emotionally immature or because I'm foolishly holding on to hope that we can all heal and move on.

Knowing that all of us will eventually die and then things that are said and revealed.. will fall upon deaf ears... but really.. what's the difference between someone being dead and someone being in denial?


Fran said...

I have missing you too much. You shouldn't feel guilt because you don't love your father or mother; There is no obligation to love his parents. On morning I have read a french magazine talking about psychology. There is an author in France who wrote bad and dirty things about his mother. She used this fact for writing her book telling she has never loved her son, and specialists said there is hate between her and him . He can't love her.
On June, it was my brother's birthday and I stayed laying on bed while 2 weeks with pain and headache, I realized it was because I felt guilt to not love my brother.
You have to learn to not feel guilt Michelle.
I wish you the best, and I'm expecting your news.
Take Care

Clueless said...

No guilt...a feeling is a feeling and it is just judgements. (I should talk, I have such a hard time with it). I too have difficulty with talking and crying; however, in the past year, I am finally telling my story of abuse (it took 17 years of therapy to get here) and now I can't shut up. All holiday's are difficult for me, but denying that they are makes it worse. I just realized that this year, duh. There is a difference between denial and being dead and I know you know that. In denial, the pain is still there and effects your life and you can choose to do something about it, albeit painful. Well, death is non being. It wasn't clear to me if you were talking about your denial or your parents. So, if your parents are still alive and in denial for me there is always that hope that longing of acknowledgement that my mother (I don't know my father) will somehow magically acknowleged that I was abused and apologize and become the mother that I always wanted. (Don't tell my therapist, I wrote this because I would deny wanting anything from my mother!) I hope I made sense and helped.

I also wanted to tell you that this is your blog. Post when you feel like it. However, I kept looking here every to see if you were back.

Karen ^..^ said...

I was so happy to see two posts from you today...

I just want you to know that those of us who read your writing and REALLY read it and empathize with it, we are the ones who truly know why you write the way you do, and we applaud you for it.

As for the rest? Fuck 'em.

Good to see you back, kiddo. Missed ya.

Anonymous said...

I've been struggling with similar feelings concerning my posting. It would be one thing if we could purge ourselves of our demons by sharing our stories. Doesn't work like that though. Sometimes I think bringing up the past gives it strength to continue ruling the present. The only good I see coming from my blog is the perception I have that I'm actually helping some other people. Sort of a take off on the 12th step of AA. Still, I think it might be approaching time to start a more mainstream blog where mental illness is a footnote rather than the primary purpose. Ironically, to do so would almost cut my readership in half inasmuch as I'm not particularly interesting or insightful apart from my mental health challenges.

John D said...

I can so sympathize with what you say about walking on eggshells with parents. Give yourself a break about that, though. Who among us (whose kidhood was seriously messed with) has not had that problem and who has simply moved on, even after parents physically disappear from your life? I suppose there are some who have gotten through with enough self-centeredness that they don't give a damn about anyone else. But if we get stuck in those primal relationships - hair triggers get us right back to that emotional struggle of trying to get things right, get loved the way we should have been, even though we know it ain't gonna happen. It's not immaturity or foolishness, it's part of getting better. Just as writing isn't whining, it's doing the work of fighting back. So hang in there - we're learning from your stories too.