So far I've shared a very small glimpse into my earlier life.
I sometimes wonder if people believe me when I share some of these things. I wish I were making them up, for then maybe I'd feel I was a better person.
I don't think I'm evil or mean spirited, but I don't think I'm a good person.
I'm insecure even though I carry myself as if I had all the self confidence in the world. I often times think people who walk by and start to laugh... are laughing at me.
Every time I get a compliment, I wonder what motivates that person to compliment me. Surely they are secretly making fun of me... my hair really doesn't look cute cut like this.....? Does it?
I'm overly cynical and pessimistic. I figure hey... if I expect the worst and that's what happens... "I told you so" and if things work out positively? Then YAY - I was wrong.
I worry and suffer panic attacks more often than I think I should. I feel like a huge loser when I have a heart stopping, gut wrenching attack. They can be so bad that I feel like I will die. And I mean really, die. My heart beats so quickly that I feel almost light headed.. I have trouble breathing and I sweat profusely.
A few years ago, I had a very bad panic attack. I was near hysterics because I was convinced that if I went to sleep, I'd never wake up again. I didn't want to die.. I have kids to take care of and I didn't want to leave them. I was in tears, panicky and well.. it's very hard to try and describe what it is it feels like, unless you've had one of these hellish experiences.
I've been officially diagnosed (years ago) with chronic depression and PTSD. I've taken a variety of meds that never seem to work and in fact, the majority of them make me want to drive my car off a very high overpass. I don't know about you, but I figured I'd take my chances without them.
Really, I wish there was something I could take to take the edge off.
My brother and sister suffered the same sort of "style" of upbringing and each walked away with different yet ugly, baggage.
Me... I'm insecure, depressed 98.9% of the time, I have a short temper, I feel nervous and jumpy all the time, I can be secretive and sometimes, I'm not a very nice person..... my younger brother is an alcoholic and drug addict and has been since the tender age of 15 and my sister has had 3 failed marriages all before the age of 30. I know that differing factors play into who we are and we are, after all - responsible for the roads we all take in our lifetimes. Sometimes though, I can't help but wonder what would we all be like had things been just a bit - just a small fraction less violent (physically and emotionally.. but especially emotionally) then they were.
Hell, we can't go back and change a damn thing about it now, can we? I guess we're all pretty much screwed and as the saying goes, "It is what it is". Yay us.
Anyone ever heard of the band All American Rejects and their song, "Dirty Little Secret" (see video below)? Funny how the name of the band and the song title kind of jive with how I feel about myself and maybe others do as well.
Know what I get most sick of? Projecting this image that I'm so together. Like I know what the hell I'm doing. It's like I'm calm, cool and collected on the outside, but inside... I'm screaming. I feel sometimes, like running and never looking back.
Bad thing is... we can't run from our dirty little secret. Can we?